Brilliant!!!SockFiddler wrote:(Warning: Absolutely not safe for work. Or anywhere else. Probably.)
RELEASED TO GALNET FOR IMMEDIATE PUBLICATION (NO LOCAL EMBARGO)
LOCATION ROED ODEGAARD PORT, BRESTLA
TITLE PLATE: THE PORN PRINCES (GEDDIT?!)
TAGGED: WIDE BROADCAST; PLANET TIGHT BEAM; FREE ACCESS (NO IP APPLIED); UNLICENSED
The picture quality is grainy, with vertical lines leaping across the screen as if filmed on old celluloid tape. Similarly, the sound quality is slightly tinny and muted, aping the narrow sound spectrum of late 20th / early 21st century movie making.
An out of tune pipe plays the A-Team theme song, with someone humming the bassline (similarly out of tune) and a third person adding a drumline that is vastly out of tempo with the other two "musicians". A series of messages have been scribbled in marker pen on pieces of hull scrap are held up before the camera (you can see someone's fingers either side, dropping them in succession). They read:
A-TEAM FILM PRODUCTIONS IN COLABORATOIN WITH
ORDER OF MOBIUS ENTERPRISES AND HOLDINGS
THE PRON PRINCES: A STORY OF LOVE.
(AND FROZEN CREAM)
Now the camera moves clumsily to each cast member in turn, each of them holding up their own credits board.
CMDR DUDLEY DAWG
The picture goes black for a moment. When it returns, a final board is being held up:
SECURITY TAPE FROM THE EMERALD PALACE, LAST THURSDAY AFTERNOON.
SCENE Very clearly on the long deck of a federal corvette, a scene has been created that imitates the dining room of the Emerald Palace, Cemiess just accurately enough to be recognisable. The walls are hung with lengths of green and blue fabric and (very bad) portraits have been pinned into the material to ape the portraits of previous Emperors famed to hang in the real location. In the foreground, a dining table laden with a multi-course banquet is surrounded by 8 chairs and lit by several chandeliers (all of these made from various grimy ship parts and the candles they hold are giving of thick, black smoke). On a holoscreen in the background, the infamous sex tape featuring Mira Duval and her sister's financial advisor, Amy Winterson, plays. The out-of-tune pipe continues to play something vaguely courtly.
ENTER DICK McSTRONG and RANDY NEWTRON
Dick McStrong is wearing a fabulous black silk dress which shimmers in the "candle" light. It is cut into a deep V at the front and has a high split at the left thigh revealing a long, unshaven leg at the bottom of which is a pair of elegant heeled court shoes. He has a gauzy, chiffon scarf wrapped backwards around his neck, so that the ends hang over his shoulder blades and sports a deep-crimson shade of lipstick and sunglasses. And stubble.
Randy Newtron is wearing a pair of high-heels which he is clearly struggling to walk in, and an expensively tailored dark-green business suit, the trousers of which cling attractively to his padded buttocks and whose jacket is fastened with just a single button. He is wearing a wig of long, black, straight hair which he flicks back over his shoulder in an exaggerated gesture as he walks while pouting at the camera. He, too, is wearing sunglasses and a goatee.
Behind the pair, a similar scene plays out on the holoscreen: it is clear that Dick McStrong has assumed the role of Mira while Randy Newtron has "become" Amy. The similarities between the two scenes are apparent; as the film progresses, what is acted out mirrors the holofilm behind.
DICK: We don't have long; they'll sit for dinner in 90 minutes.
RANDY: Gestures to the camera Ready to go.
DICK: Eyeing the table You sure you're okay with this? I mean, you'll get fired for breaking the rules...
RANDY: With a melodramatic shake of his head. FUCK the rules!
KHARMA's VOICE: Hang on, hang on, that's not in the script!
NOT-DAVE'S VOICE: Just keep going.
KHARMA: Nah, cut - we gotta do this properly!
DICK: Turning to camera and removing his sunglasses Properly?
KHARMA: Yeah, you know... like the first one.
RANDY: Turning and twisting left and right, with one hand on a hip Does my bub look big enough in this?
NOT-DAVE: Yes, though your wig is askew.
RANDY: Glancing up at camera Askew?
NOT-DAVE: Yes, wonky. Off-centre-
RANDY: I know what the fucking word means.
DAWG'S VOICE: Gentlemen, I feel we might be drifting off purpose. A short burst of non-melodic pipe music.
NOT-DAVE: Lori, just fix the wig would you?
DICK: Pouting with a well-observed flounce That's not my name...
NOT-DAVE: Audibly sighing Mister McStrong, would be be as kind as to fix that Lady's hair-piece?
DICK: That's better. Some moments of fumbling with RANDY'S wig
KHARMA: The line is...
RANDY: I know the line. I thought mine was better. Are you sure my bum looks okay?
KHARMA: For fuck's sake... here, how come Idiot Balls here got the part anyway?
NOT-DAVE: He paid for the costumes.
RANDY: Aand made them. And a very fine job I did, too, if I say so myself. That dress, Lori-
DICK: Clears his throat
RANDY: Dick, looks magnificent. You sure you won't be tempted to try the wig?
DICK: The pins stick into my head.
KHARMA: Nah, mate, I just wanted to piss you off.
DAWG: A cheeky 4-bar jig
DICK: Well fuck you, Kharma.
NOT-DAVE: You're supposed to be fucking him...
RANDY: Excuse me?
NOT-DAVE: Impatiently Her...
RANDY: Thank you.
NOT-DAVE: You're welcome. Now if we may..?
DICK: Fine, I'll try the wig. As long as Kharma isn't fixing it in place.
RANDY: Very good, Dawg?
DAWG: A few bars of the A-Team refrain. Very good, just a mo!
END OF SCENE
SCENE: Everything is as before, except now DICK MCSTRONG wears a waist-long, bright scarlet wig very clearly cut and styled to resemble Mira Duval's hair. Over his shoulder, two women are urgently kissing and pulling at each others' clothing. After a moment, they fall onto the dining table, over-turning several bowls and spilling food around them.
Enter: DICK MCSTRONG and RANDY NEWTRON
DICK: We don't have long... dinner in 45 minutes.
KHARMA: That's not the fucking line, mate.
RANDY: It was close enough. Let's keep going.
NOT-DAVE: Just say the line again.
DICK: [i]Flicking a length of scarlet hair proudly over his shoulder. Fine. Clears his throat and looks at the camera as he speaks the correct line. We don't have long, they'll sit for dinner soon.
KHARMA: Under his breath Fucking amateurs.
RANDY: That dress really does look quite fantastic, Dick.
NOT-DAVE: Just keep going...
DICK: You think so? Twirls prettily I had it made special.
RANDY: Oh yeah? Who's your tailor?
DICK: Shimmer Shimmer and Cling, you know them?
RANDY: Out in the Mucky-Mucks?
DICK: The corner of Gold and Rich.
RANDY: The length... it's hard to get a good mid-calf satin these days.
KHARMA: Steps in front of the camera. He is wearing sunglasses, a pair of "shorts" and the ugliest shirt known to humanity. Are you going to let these two fucking clowns carry on like this then? How come Al got that part anyway? I could do a better job than this. Where's the fucking fucking?
RANDY: I came up with a better name than you did.
KHARMA: What's wrong with Max Thrust then, you fucking poofter.
RANDY: Oi! I object to that kind of language in front of my fair lady.
KHARMA: Climbing over the table. I'll give you "fair lady". Kharma chases Al - who cannot possibly walk much less run in his heels - catches him in quick order and draws his fist back for a punch.
RANDY: High-pitched. It's unseemly to hit a woman!
NOT-DAVE: Sounds of a scuffle as the camera drops to the toes of someone's shoes. In a tired voice: Cut.
END OF SCENE
SCENE: The dining table is somewhat in disarray and one of the pinned-up scribbled portraits has been torn from the material panel it had been pinned to. On the holoscreen, the red-head has hitched up her dress to straddle the black-haired woman who lies pinned by her hips beneath her. The two women are topless and clumsily feeding each other various dessert foods, smearing them and licking them off each others' faces and chests.
Enter: Dick McStrong and Max Thrust (now wearing a business suit that doesn't fit him and whose arse padding is wonky and a long, black wig that looks more or less like it fell on his head. He has hastily-applied lipstick and has swapped his sunglasses for a goth-level of black eyeliner and mascara. He looks absolutely terrifying, as if entering the scene from recently committing a murder).
DICK: We don't have long-
MAX: In a breathy, high-pitched voice Just take me! Right here! On this table!
DICK: Er... okay!
MAX: Takes Dick roughly in his arms Love me like no-other can!
DAWG: A slide-whistle plays a rising tone.
NOT-DAVE: Nice, Dawg!
DAWG: Thank you, sir. Thought that might add something...
DICK: Very carefully "throws" Max onto the table. How long I've waited for this moment!
MAX: The high-pitched voice continues Take me! Take me now! He pants.
DICK: Christ, Kharma...
MAX: Fuck off, Lori, just do it like we said.
DICK: With less enthusiasm now How your sultry bossom rises and falls... your sweet breath and aching loins...
NOT-DAVE: You came up with this dialogue yourselves, didn't you.
MAX: Sitting up. What? It's how them birds talk.
NOT-DAVE: "Them birds"?
MAX: THOSE birds.
DICK: Takes off wig and throws it onto the table. This is fucking pointless.
EXIT DICK MCSTRONG
Dawg: The slide whistle plays a descending tone.
END OF SCENE
SCENE: The dining table is now surrounded with debris including dropped and smeared food, crockery and glasswear and there appears to be a chicken pecking at a bread roll. The holoscreen now displays two completely naked women atop the dining table, one of whom is using a still-corked wine-bottle as a sex toy on the other who continues to smear and eat cream from her companions chest and face.
ENTER: MAX and CMDR DAWG as SEYMOUR POUNDING (complete with sunglasses, black dress, chiffon scarf, long red wig and matching red lipstick).
SEYMOUR: I say, my good woman, shall we get down to it?
MAX: Throwing himself with abandon onto the table. Take me! Take me like no man can!
SEYMOUR: Er, right... well, very good. On with it, then! He takes up position between MAX'S legs and casts about for an appropriate tool.
MAX: Use this! Max hands SEYMOUR the first thing his blindly flailing hand falls upon, which happens to be a stuffed marrow. It is approximately 14 inches long, 5 inches wide and filled with a salmon, dill and cream cheese concoction.
SEYMOUR: Genuinely shocked Good lord!
MAX: I can take it! I'm a real woman! I swell with ardour! Passes the marrow to SEYMOUR then lies back and pants heavily.
SEYMOUR: Accepts the marrow, turns it about in his hands a few times eyeing it suspiciously. After a moment - with an expression much like that of a plumber dubious about the way he's just plugged a leak - he advances the marrow toward MAX's groin. Now just lie back, breathe steadily-
NOT-DAVE: With more ardour, please.
DICK: Off-camera. Yeah, ardour with the marrow.
MAX: Fuck off, Lori.
SEYMOUR: Putting the marrow down. I'm sorry! I just... I don't see how it would fit!
MAX: Propping himself up on his elbows and taking the marrow, turning it and holding it in the appropriate position. Sort of like that, matey. I mean, if you think about it, it's not as big as a baby, and birds have them out all the time.
SEYMOUR: With a lot of drugs and screaming...
MAX: Yeah, that's probably right.
RANDY: Off-camera Can we cut and just get a better-sized implement?
END OF SCENE.
SCENE: There is next to nothing left on the table; everything is on the floor and even the table cloth is hanging off one end, revealing the table to actually have been fashioned from the white wing tip of an Imperial ship. The word "STAIN" can be seen clearly printed along the edge. On the floor next to the table, a couple of goats have joined the chicken. One goat munches happily on a cloth napkin while the other noses noisily about in an overturned bowl. In the background, the holoscreen shows two women lying side-by-side on the dining table. The black-haired woman is gently stroking the other's face, leaning in to kiss her softly while the other drops a fish slice onto the table next to her before swiping away a length of red hair and reaching for a pack of cigarettes.
Enter: SEYMOUR and MAX (who have, apparently, swapped roles).
MAX: In a low voice Just say the line then lie back on the table, mate, I'll do the rest.
SEYMOUR: Nods at the direction, stumbles a bit in his heels and then turns to take MAX in his arms...
MAX: What's wrong?
SEYMOUR: I can't say that!
MAX: Just say it, and then it's lying back and a lot of moaning.
SEYMOUR: Nods uncertainly. I can't tell you how long I've wanted you betwixt my trembling thighs. O happy day, finally to be overtaken by such long-awaited climax. Take me, take me now or forever leave me dashed upon the rocky shore of love. SEYMOUR climbs carefully onto the table and arranges himself on his back.
NOT-DAVE: Good God, that was awful.
DICK: Is that my...? IS THAT THE WING OF MY CUTTER?!
MAX: Shut it, Lori, we're getting this done. Pant, Dawg...
SEYMOUR: Starts panting like he is having some kind of panic attack, which might well be the case.
MAX: You're so beautiful, with your legs and your face and your hair. Oh how I wish I had a great big co-
DICK: THAT'S THE WING OF MY FUCKING SHIP!
The sounds of scuffling and running feet from off camera. The camera gets jolted for a moment and then returns to a slightly wonky angle, but back on the performers. In the time it took to correct the knock, MAX has somehow acquired the biggest, angriest-looking black dildo ever seen in the galaxy and is now wobbling it threateningly at SEYMOUR's groin.
SEYMOUR: It's only meant to be simulated, remember..!
DICK: His voice climbing in fury You motherfuckers!
RANDY: What? I thought it was appropriate...
DICK: I'LL KILL YOU ALL. I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU ALL!
MAX: Still advancing the dildo Lie back and think of me and how much better this would be if it were a real one.
SEYMOUR: You'd have to be a donkey for that to be real. Aren't you going to lubricate it?!
MAX: Oh, yeah. Hang on. He reaches for a bowl of some kind of white cream, possibly mayonnaise, takes a great glob of it on his fingers and as he moves his hand back to the "implement", a high heeled shoe arcs through the air and knocks his hand, sending a blob of whatever-it-is tumbling to land with a noisy splat onto SEYMOUR's face. The sounds of off-camera fighting continue.
SEYMOUR: Making no attempt to wipe his face clean but, instead, turning his head to see whatever is going on behind the camera. I say, I think he's actually going to kill him.
The fight between Lori (still in his dress) and Al (wearing only sunglasses and his padded butt) spills over to in front of the camera and consumes the supine Dawg and Kharma, who attempts to defend himself by laying about with the enormous dildo. Each time the latex thing connects a blow, it makes a loud slapping sound.
Enter: THE HAMMER, dressed in Viking war costume (but with the horns on the hat pointing front to back instead of side to side) and sporting an enormous cod-piece. He is bear-chested, heavily hirsute and has twisted and bound his enormous beard into something that resembles a string of anal beads. He holds a fish slice in one hand and a huge stick of frozen cream that is already melting down his forearm in the other.
THE HAMMER: Ignoring the fight and posing for the camera Behold The Hammer!
END OF SCENE
END CREDITS: Some jarringly inappropriate, cheerfully unmelodic pipe music plays over a further series of message boards, all now clearly salvaged from Lori's now-dismantled Cutter.
THE PORN PRINCES: A STORY OF LOVE
(A FROZEN CREAM)
PROUDLY BROUGHT TO YOU BY
THE ORDER OF MOBIUS
(WHO TOTALLY KNEW WE WERE MAKING THIS FILM AND CONTRIBUTED TO IT BY NOT ACTIVELY PARTICIPATING AT ALL)
INSPIRED BY REAL EVENTS
NO VIKINGS, GOATS OR CHICKENS WERE HARMED DURING THE MAKING OF THIS FILM.
THE SAME CANNOT BE SAID FOR AN IMPERIAL CUTTER AND THE A-TEAM PERFORMERS.
YOU HAVE BEEN WATCHING...
Now a sorry montage of A-Team members parade before the camera, like a police line-up, all holding their identifying boards.
CMDR TORTORDEN AS THE HAMMER
CMDR DUDLEY DAWG AS SEYMOUR POUNDING
CMDR KHARMA AS MAX THRUST
CMDR AL AS RANDY NEWTRON
CMDR LORIATH AS DICK MCSTRONG
CMDR ASTECONN ON CAMERA
(I was forced to participate under duress and am being held by these recalcitrant against my will. Please, [b]PLEASE[/i] rescue me.)
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