Stolen Poop! OMG

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Black Rose
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Stolen Poop! OMG

Postby Black Rose » Sat Jan 23, 2016 6:19 pm

This relates to the hopelessly ill conceived missions in ED

I was hanging out at Thome station in the HIP 16607 system when a very foul smelling and seedy looking individual approached me. He rubbed his thumb and forefinger together and whispered "pssst....wanna make some creds?" I backed away from the virtual wall of stench and cocked my head to one side and said "sure, what's in it for me?" He then described that all I had to do was hang onto 18 tons of bio waste for a few hours and I'd be contacted as to where to bring it and I'd be paid 260,000 credits. I shook my head then grinned "why of course, nothing like storing 18 tons of poop in my hold, dropping it some where, then grabbing a load of gourmet cheese for some rich folk"

He gave me a toothless grin and just told me to be elsewhere while he loaded my cargo bay. I wandered over to the Gal-Net quickie mart and bought some necessities and gummy bears to hold me over for what looked like a long boring and somewhat smelly trip.

Upon heading back to the docking bay I saw the ship was loaded and my new associate suggested to just go about my business and be aware that certain parties might come looking for this cargo. I suppressed a laugh and tried to look professional and just nodded and crossed my legs to control myself. lol

Ok, so off we go on this mission. I'll spare you all the details but I had this load of festering dung in my ship for 5 hours real time. I was interdicted multiple times and every assailant referred to my cargo as "juicy" Yea, it was juicy all right. I peeked into the hold which sits between the engine nacelles on an Asp and there was a watery brown residue leaking all over the deck. I didn't even want to open the service hatch and just walked back to cockpit.

I was tooling along in Frenis when I suddenly got a message that I was to meet "Brown" in the Kraudji system and he would tell me where to drop the poop. I checked the message and the time window for the meet was a whopping 10 minutes. I thought is that 10 minutes my time, galactic time, light time or some other time I was not familiar with? I glanced up at where I'd put a clock in my cockpit if I had a clock. Oddly enough all my missions were timed and set to a clock at the station yet there was no provision for a clock in my ship. Should I dock and check the time? Imagine being at a stop and asking someone if they had the time and they replied "I'll need to fly to New York and call you because all the clocks are there."

I was in luck though as I was only one jump out so I rushed to Kraudji to meet the mysterious "Brown" and I was attacked by a persistent crazy in an Anaconda that told me that I hauled my last turd and he would mourn my death. I ran away from this guy because there was no way I was getting killed over a pile of poop. Finally after being attacked 7 times and "Brown" never appearing I jumped back to HIP and sent my benefactor a terse message that he could pound salt up his bum for all the poop I had to go through over this load of dung.

A split second after sending the message a glowing message appeared on my board that I was now in possession of "illicit cargo" I was dumb founded. I checked my cargo list and there it was 18 Tons of Poop...STOLEN!

OMG I thought I am about to dock at Thome and I am in possession of stolen poop. My mind raced and I thought "how would they know it was stolen, is there a way to check it; is that possible and who would get the job?"

My hand flew over the jump map controls and I targeted Harm and the Gentil station. "Yea that's the ticket, pirate black market or in this case the BROWN market....hehe they'll buy it, they buy everything there"

I made a quick run to Harm, docked and found a buyer straight away...I told him that it was in fact a Juicy Load and when I agreed to throw in some papers that sealed the deal. I tossed a few rolls from my stash into the buyers greedy hands sold the ship for a new one as I had no clue how to clean 18 tons of poop residue from the innards of my cargo bay.
Last edited by Black Rose on Fri Jan 29, 2016 10:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Stolen Poop! OMG

Postby Avago-Earo » Sat Jan 23, 2016 6:37 pm

Are you saying the mission timed out without any indication as to when to deliver it?

Sounds like a crap deal if you pardon the pun.
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Re: Stolen Poop! OMG

Postby Avago-Earo » Sat Jan 23, 2016 6:38 pm

BTW the time appears in the Galaxy Map.
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Re: Stolen Poop! OMG

Postby Flip » Sun Jan 24, 2016 1:04 am

Great story telling, Rose! I really had a good laugh, thank you! Can’t wait for your next adventures. :D

Would you mind if we moved the thread to the Elite Lore and Fiction sub-forum? It definitely belong there. :)
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Re: Stolen Poop! OMG

Postby Black Rose » Sun Jan 24, 2016 6:14 am

I don't mind Flip, move it where ever you think is best. I sometimes like to take a frustrating event and break it down to how silly it was and then make up some sort of story over it. I was working on a sci-fi story titled "Lucky Sevens" that had my own special twist of sarcastic humor mixed into a story of sorts. I worked it out with a friend, God rest his soul, we'd each write a chapter playing off each other's story progression and plot twists.

Thank you for mention where the clock is, but still it should be in the cockpit somewhere. Its like having a wrist watch that you keep in the trunk of your car lol.
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Re: Stolen Poop! OMG

Postby Black Rose » Sun Jan 24, 2016 6:16 am

Avago-Earo wrote:Are you saying the mission timed out without any indication as to when to deliver it?

Sounds like a crap deal if you pardon the pun.


LOL No, Brown never showed up and I was interdicted so many times by this loony toon in an anaconda that I decided to say "**** it!" and leave :P
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Re: Stolen Poop! OMG

Postby Vespyr » Sun Jan 24, 2016 7:44 am

I feel bad for laughing as hard as I did at the biowaste of time that you had to go through, but that was hilarious.

Black Rose wrote: I was attacked by a persistent crazy in an Anaconda that told me that I hauled my last turd and he would mourn my death.


:lol:

Also makes me wonder if that guy's name, "Brown," was more than just a coincidence, considering his trade. :P I can relate to your experience, though. Those "hold something for x amount of time" and "find a crash site on a planet" missions rarely ever work right for me. But then most of the missions in the game are buggy as hell lol.

Really enjoyed the story. I'd love to read more from you. :)
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Re: Stolen Poop! OMG

Postby Avago-Earo » Sun Jan 24, 2016 11:15 am

Black Rose wrote:
Avago-Earo wrote:Are you saying the mission timed out without any indication as to when to deliver it?

Sounds like a crap deal if you pardon the pun.


LOL No, Brown never showed up and I was interdicted so many times by this loony toon in an anaconda that I decided to say "**** it!" and leave :P


Ah, I see. Well at least you made it entertaining to read about ;)
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Re: Stolen Poop! OMG

Postby Black Rose » Tue Jan 26, 2016 7:17 am

I'm glad you all enjoyed my little story and I'll probably do more :)
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Re: Stolen Poop! OMG

Postby LionWalker » Tue Jan 26, 2016 8:11 am

Please do, it was a good read, love to see more from you.
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