Thank You Good People Of Mobius Group

[TorTorden]

Just remember this, Depression Lies. And it will get better whether you believe it or not.

Depression Lies.

QFT.

I do not think I have been quite as low, but I have been very close for quite some time.
Most of my 20's really.
One thing I kinda am starting to realize is when you need help, never stop asking for it, or speaking out you are worth being heard.

The source of my “issues” is mainly from that I wasn't diagnosed with asperger syndrome until I was 27.

Rambling, “wallotext alert”

For the largest part of my life as I can remember I have been driven by a singular emotion. Fear.
Fear of not making it, of sticking out (especially futile when you have felt like an alien only without the superpowers)
That's not a good one, particularly when combined with an ambitious desire with a complete lack of ability to achieve my self imposed expectations, leading to more fear, leading to rage, leading to leading to...
Luckily I could escape into video games, If not I don't know if I could have contained my anger.

Well, long story short, up until I was about 23 my fear pushed me through the normal track, I went to school, I got a tradecraft certificate in rotogravure printing (now a virtually extinct tradecraft, so it's not worth the paper it's printed on) did my 12 month stint in the army (as a drafted airman)

Now as always I'm not saying life is particularily hard for me.
For example, I was interned with some real Norwegian Ubermensch during boot camp, you know athletic, oozing charisma, quick on their feet, genuine good guys you just can't help liking.
Suffer a complete freakout in the dead of night, and drum out the following morning on a psych discharge. (I apparently slept through it)

Maybe the fact that I had been fending off a mental breakdowns since twelve, bootcamp was just a slightly more intense business as usual, and thus I had my psychological tool-set developed already, I dunno, I just plowed on as always.

One year after finishising my army service I basically just shut down, I just didn't have anymore "push" in me, and I pretty much checked out of society primarily since I couldn't get a job. Whenever I tried I would enter a strange state of manic semi-panic where my brain stops working, most resumes I sent out read like complete gibberish of half sentences, and when I would get called for an interview, I had the choice of spending my weeks food budget on a bussticket to get there, (obviously I went) but that only meant spending 15 minutes answering the standard questions of “what are your weaknesses”, and “where do you see your self in five years” in a state that I would pretty much describe as two hairs away from a complete freakout and/or fantasizing about beating the smug prick interviewing me into a pile of blod and bone fragments with his own chair, keeping a lid on those impulses is often taking every bit of self control I have.

After getting the disabillity rating, I can now at least afford food, and quite a bit more. I am not wealthy by any means, but I am financially stable and that slowly gets me breathing room to get better, I would at this time say I am about as good as I ever have been, but I still got some ways to go.
I have not yet completely given up on maybe getting a job, but my aspergers are never going away and I got all my issues still.

Life sucks for everyone at times, just never stop reaching out, most people honestly want's to help regardless of what the media wants to draw attention too.
And lastly.

Depression lies, you are worth more than what it makes you believe.
Much much more.

[Sigmar Prime]

I'm just sitting at work, browsing forums during the downtime, and I wish to say thank you all for this; seeing that there are still decent human beings, caring for the member of your group who you never even met, and not hoping to get anything out of it. You are the shining example of faith in your fellow human. You all just made my day better, brighter, you fabulous humans.
Be safe, stay safe.

Sent from my C6903 using Tapatalk

[Avago-Earo]

Anybody can get to that place, that kind of low. Not everybody makes it back, and nobody does that alone. Good luck!

Cheers. You're right. Living alone has it's upside ie PC HOTAS Guitars, Drums, lack of scatter cushions etc in the living room but it's not everything though. I don't want to go on and on about me but it was fucking horrible what was going through my mind. People here have been so supportive. I can be too.

Maybe I should get a dog. I like dogs.

Take care mate and cheers!

[Avago-Earo]

Just remember this, Depression Lies. And it will get better whether you believe it or not.

Depression Lies.

QFT.

I do not think I have been quite as low, but I have been very close for quite some time.
Most of my 20's really.
One thing I kinda am starting to realize is when you need help, never stop asking for it, or speaking out you are worth being heard.

The source of my “issues” is mainly from that I wasn't diagnosed with asperger syndrome until I was 27.

Rambling, “wallotext alert”

For the largest part of my life as I can remember I have been driven by a singular emotion. Fear.
Fear of not making it, of sticking out (especially futile when you have felt like an alien only without the superpowers)
That's not a good one, particularly when combined with an ambitious desire with a complete lack of ability to achieve my self imposed expectations, leading to more fear, leading to rage, leading to leading to...
Luckily I could escape into video games, If not I don't know if I could have contained my anger.

Well, long story short, up until I was about 23 my fear pushed me through the normal track, I went to school, I got a tradecraft certificate in rotogravure printing (now a virtually extinct tradecraft, so it's not worth the paper it's printed on) did my 12 month stint in the army (as a drafted airman)

Now as always I'm not saying life is particularily hard for me.
For example, I was interned with some real Norwegian Ubermensch during boot camp, you know athletic, oozing charisma, quick on their feet, genuine good guys you just can't help liking.
Suffer a complete freakout in the dead of night, and drum out the following morning on a psych discharge. (I apparently slept through it)

Maybe the fact that I had been fending off a mental breakdowns since twelve, bootcamp was just a slightly more intense business as usual, and thus I had my psychological tool-set developed already, I dunno, I just plowed on as always.

One year after finishising my army service I basically just shut down, I just didn't have anymore "push" in me, and I pretty much checked out of society primarily since I couldn't get a job. Whenever I tried I would enter a strange state of manic semi-panic where my brain stops working, most resumes I sent out read like complete gibberish of half sentences, and when I would get called for an interview, I had the choice of spending my weeks food budget on a bussticket to get there, (obviously I went) but that only meant spending 15 minutes answering the standard questions of “what are your weaknesses”, and “where do you see your self in five years” in a state that I would pretty much describe as two hairs away from a complete freakout and/or fantasizing about beating the smug prick interviewing me into a pile of blod and bone fragments with his own chair, keeping a lid on those impulses is often taking every bit of self control I have.

After getting the disabillity rating, I can now at least afford food, and quite a bit more. I am not wealthy by any means, but I am financially stable and that slowly gets me breathing room to get better, I would at this time say I am about as good as I ever have been, but I still got some ways to go.
I have not yet completely given up on maybe getting a job, but my aspergers are never going away and I got all my issues still.

Life sucks for everyone at times, just never stop reaching out, most people honestly want's to help regardless of what the media wants to draw attention too.
And lastly.

Depression lies, you are worth more than what it makes you believe.
Much much more.

What you just said is fucking awe inspiring. I've been getting a lot of inspiration from people here. This may sound like an oxymoron but through this recent depression and other times I haven't actually cried. I just did just now. Properly totally wept my eyes out. And it felt fucking good.

I think this is about us people here. Now. The fear thing you were talking about. Yes and yes. I didn't turn to computer games at the time (did play BBC Elite). I left school and spiked my hair up and joined a kick boxing club. I got those bullies and fucked them up in pub car parks just as they fucked up my school life by threatening me and the embarrasment of walking home from school smelling because you shat your pants with fear. Begging them to leave my friend alone because he had black skin. But when I did get round to sorting them out if that is at all the right expression, I just felt uuuuugh. Now I'm the bully. I didn't talk about it. One day though I talked to one of my (yes 'my' I own them now) old bullies and he told me he had to keep up appearances to divert attention from his own fear. It turned out that by then he was working at a refuge for children in Portsmouth that had lost their families through war. He invited me to his work and many of the kids were from Sierre Leone (spelling?). This person that I feared had sussed himself out and worked with what he had in his heart. Fear made him a bully back then but now? Now he was full of love and respect. Sorry I'm ranting it just reminded me of this.

I learn so much from others. I've learned a lot today. I hope people talk about stuff whenever they want to rather than staring at a wall.

You lot are a fucking good bunch

[Xebeth]

Avago-Earo it will get better, believe me I know. About a year ago someone who is a major, significant and important part of my life was diagnosed with a depressive illness, I won't (perhaps can't yet) go into the details, lets just say I was lucky to walk in on them at the right time...

A year later they are a different person, I won't pretend that they are 100%, but almost, we still take each day at a time. The point is, at the time we couldn't see a way out, they were in no fit state to help themselves and the bottom was falling out of my world, but we got through it, and you will get through it too - remember this - you will get through it.

Loriath is right, depression lies, it makes you believe things that simply are not true. The biggest and hardest step is realising that something is not right, you've taken that step, it will only get better now.

Here for you

[Avago-Earo]

Avago-Earo it will get better, believe me I know. About a year ago someone who is a major, significant and important part of my life was diagnosed with a depressive illness, I won't (perhaps can't yet) go into the details, lets just say I was lucky to walk in on them at the right time...

A year later they are a different person, I won't pretend that they are 100%, but almost, we still take each day at a time. The point is, at the time we couldn't see a way out, they were in no fit state to help themselves and the bottom was falling out of my world, but we got through it, and you will get through it too - remember this - you will get through it.

Loriath is right, depression lies, it makes you believe things that simply are not true. The biggest and hardest step is realising that something is not right, you've taken that step, it will only get better now.

Here for you

And here's to you too and all the people here. Idon't know what to say I feel a bit overwhelmed. It turns out that so many people understand and I should have asked to talk. Well it seems maybe there is good because people are talking. I hope I make sense. I'm very tired x

[Gorf]

Well it seems maybe there is good because people are talking.

Despite the media - it's surprising how much good there is in the world. On all the forums I subscribe to, when someone comes on with a genuine problem and asks for help, it's there - in spades.

The same when people need help but either don't know they need it or don't know how to ask. They have friends who are so even though they are nothing more than a collection of letters on a computer screen.

My first experience of all this was 17 years ago when people I knew only from a mailing list rallied around to reorganise an event so that my stepson (who was 6 at the time) could take part.

There's perhaps a little more of it to go around in Mobius than is usual, by virtue of the nature of its members joining simply because they are the sort of people who don't want to share their play of an online game with those who are just there to be dicks.

[Steel Talon]

It is not a shame to talk about your problems, nor to have depressions at all. It is sadly a very common thing and we all walk this path one day, sooner or later, for a long time or for short.

My big brother doesn't want to talk about his problems. He sees it as a weakness. Doing everything alone is the way to go! At least according to him. He fell deep, and yet he thinks he is the greatest and most successful being on this earth even though his mindset is absolutely toxic. Instead of talking he drinks himself brain-dead with beer and whiskey and what not. Not literally, but it brought us, as a family, always in danger.

This is a huge mistake. If you feel the need to talk, talk. You're definitely not alone.

[Avago-Earo]

Thanks Gorf and Steel Talon. There are good people here. I knew that already but the last 24 hours or so has shone a light on it. Take care.

https://soundcloud.com/geoffcattle

[OrionSnake]

Hope you feel better soon and do whatever you need to do to get there, one day at a time.