Loriaths Logs

Tell us your stories of Elite: Dangerous!
User avatar
Loriath
Dangerous
Dangerous
Posts: 2879
Joined: Thu Mar 05, 2015 1:12 pm
CMDR: Loriath
CMDR_Platform: PC-MAC
Contact:

Re: Loriaths Logs

Postby Loriath » Mon Oct 26, 2015 11:32 am

Geopan wrote:Damn!!!

I did not want to read it. I wanted to wait until you have 3-4 chapters in. Now I'll have to wait ...

I am probably ungrateful, but it seemed so short... (ps It was not!)

Nice link - chapter though, after the action peak of last week and the future development.


Glad to know that even though it was not Action Packed it was enough to keep some people wanting more. Working on it, trust me.
Image
My Commander has Small Feet
"You're doing it wrong". No, we are having Fun OUR way.
~-~The A-Team Board ~-~
12 year olds tearing around the woods on dirt bikes have LESS FUN than we do!

TorTorden
Dangerous
Dangerous
Posts: 3612
Joined: Mon Jun 01, 2015 11:13 am
CMDR: TorTorden
CMDR_Platform: None Specified

Re: Loriaths Logs

Postby TorTorden » Mon Oct 26, 2015 3:15 pm

Loved the last two, happily anticipating anything coming :D
Image

Hey I'm Thor -
People call me Bob.

Rule 1: Pillage. Then burn.
Rule 2: No such thing as overkill, as long as there are reloads.

User avatar
Flip
Dangerous
Dangerous
Posts: 3342
Joined: Fri Sep 19, 2014 12:00 pm
CMDR: Flip Martin
CMDR_Platform: None Specified

Re: Loriaths Logs

Postby Flip » Tue Oct 27, 2015 9:20 am

Excellent, Loriath! As usual, I can’t wait for the next chapter. :)

Some notes :

Uncle was just expressing his opinion on some of the adjustments that have to be made to make sure your you’re happy living on board this old barge.

I had to at that point turn around to keep from completely losing it. That sentence is a bit weird. I’d either add commas (I had to, at that point, turn around) or just reverse it (At that point I had to turn around).

As I stepped to the chair and sat, I noticed he was actually making notes with paper and pen.

“Good” I said. “So when do I begin, and what are the details?” Mr. Jessop filled me in and I left his office a while later on my way to the hangar to await my first load. I’d add a break between this paragraph and the next. I mean something like:

Code: Select all

*   *
*
Image
We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty! ―Douglas Adams

User avatar
Loriath
Dangerous
Dangerous
Posts: 2879
Joined: Thu Mar 05, 2015 1:12 pm
CMDR: Loriath
CMDR_Platform: PC-MAC
Contact:

Re: Loriaths Logs

Postby Loriath » Tue Oct 27, 2015 9:47 am

Thanks and fixed, but I am not sure I understand your paragraph break. There is already one there. ??
Image
My Commander has Small Feet
"You're doing it wrong". No, we are having Fun OUR way.
~-~The A-Team Board ~-~
12 year olds tearing around the woods on dirt bikes have LESS FUN than we do!

User avatar
Flip
Dangerous
Dangerous
Posts: 3342
Joined: Fri Sep 19, 2014 12:00 pm
CMDR: Flip Martin
CMDR_Platform: None Specified

Re: Loriaths Logs

Postby Flip » Tue Oct 27, 2015 10:22 am

Loriath wrote:Thanks and fixed, but I am not sure I understand your paragraph break. There is already one there. ??


There is only a paragraph break. I’m suggesting more, because you switch from some kind of present (or direct) narrative:

“Good” I said. “So when do I begin, and what are the details?”

… to some kind of past (or indirect) narrative:

The next few days were a blur. I was managing a run a day, to Trevithick Dock and back.

Sorry I don’t have the right words for describing those two modes, but they’re different enough, IMO, that they should be separated more clearly. See what I mean?
Image
We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty! ―Douglas Adams

User avatar
Loriath
Dangerous
Dangerous
Posts: 2879
Joined: Thu Mar 05, 2015 1:12 pm
CMDR: Loriath
CMDR_Platform: PC-MAC
Contact:

Re: Loriaths Logs

Postby Loriath » Tue Oct 27, 2015 2:46 pm

Got it. I see what you mean now. I broke that up a little bit more. Let me know what you think.
Image
My Commander has Small Feet
"You're doing it wrong". No, we are having Fun OUR way.
~-~The A-Team Board ~-~
12 year olds tearing around the woods on dirt bikes have LESS FUN than we do!

User avatar
Flip
Dangerous
Dangerous
Posts: 3342
Joined: Fri Sep 19, 2014 12:00 pm
CMDR: Flip Martin
CMDR_Platform: None Specified

Re: Loriaths Logs

Postby Flip » Tue Oct 27, 2015 3:54 pm

Yeah, seems to be better.
Image
We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty! ―Douglas Adams

User avatar
Loriath
Dangerous
Dangerous
Posts: 2879
Joined: Thu Mar 05, 2015 1:12 pm
CMDR: Loriath
CMDR_Platform: PC-MAC
Contact:

New Post: Enlisted and Confused

Postby Loriath » Sun Nov 29, 2015 10:17 am

I know its been a while. I got sidetracked with things, but I have a new one up and more to come later this week.

http://loriath.cmdrslogs.net/enlisted-and-confused/
Image
My Commander has Small Feet
"You're doing it wrong". No, we are having Fun OUR way.
~-~The A-Team Board ~-~
12 year olds tearing around the woods on dirt bikes have LESS FUN than we do!

User avatar
Xebeth
Deadly
Deadly
Posts: 4003
Joined: Tue Dec 30, 2014 10:22 am
CMDR: Xebeth
CMDR_Platform: PC-MAC

Re: Loriaths Logs

Postby Xebeth » Sun Nov 29, 2015 12:48 pm

Excellent as always, suddenly have an overwhelming urge to do some rank up missions.

I have to say, reading your stories really helps to flesh out the game, every time I fly into a Coriolis station I think about the people in their apartments watching the ships come and go. Now I'll have an image of grey functional dullness when ever I see a Federation mission, I'm interested to see how you describe the Empire navy if and when you get there.

Will the Order ever appear in your stories? Now that will be really interesting! (not that the rest isn't of course).

(Saw a typo or two, but I won't steal Flip's thunder ;) )
Image
Please make sure you have read the Mobius GroupPolicy

User avatar
Loriath
Dangerous
Dangerous
Posts: 2879
Joined: Thu Mar 05, 2015 1:12 pm
CMDR: Loriath
CMDR_Platform: PC-MAC
Contact:

Re: Loriaths Logs

Postby Loriath » Sun Nov 29, 2015 4:45 pm

Xebeth wrote:Excellent as always, suddenly have an overwhelming urge to do some rank up missions.

I have to say, reading your stories really helps to flesh out the game, every time I fly into a Coriolis station I think about the people in their apartments watching the ships come and go. Now I'll have an image of grey functional dullness when ever I see a Federation mission, I'm interested to see how you describe the Empire navy if and when you get there.

Will the Order ever appear in your stories? Now that will be really interesting! (not that the rest isn't of course).

(Saw a typo or two, but I won't steal Flip's thunder ;) )


If you remember, Loriath grew up in the Empire. I am sure he will still be quite surprised at some of the stations. And as far as OoM, well its obvious that he will, after all, I, er I mean He has already been to Azrael. But its how he gets there that is interesting. As you can imagine, it will be quite a journey, as it has been for us all.

:D
Image
My Commander has Small Feet
"You're doing it wrong". No, we are having Fun OUR way.
~-~The A-Team Board ~-~
12 year olds tearing around the woods on dirt bikes have LESS FUN than we do!


Return to “Fan Fiction”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest

i