Elite: Dangerous PvE - Mobius

Boxcar, I'd suggest you to use a lighter blue for ASTRA's lines. There's not enough contrast between that dark blue and the grey background so it's very hard to read (at least for my aging eyes).

Editing note:

Lightened up ASTRA's lines as they were, indeed, rather jarring to read. Also tweaked a few very minor phrases here and there, and one reference to the "evening" that miles carried Sarah across the threshold that actually should have been morning, not evening. Continuity and all that.

There are plenty of other things that could stand with a bit of tweaking (I also changed the "what on earth" phrase, Flip) and I'm sure I'll get to them eventually, maybe. It's always more fun to think about what other silly little stories I can tell.

JohnLuke wrote:Wow...... absolutely amazing story, Boxcar. I agree with the others..... you are a VERY skilled writer! I have to admit..... I teared up when..... well..... you know when.

Incredible work my friend. Sorry it took me so long to make the time to read your amazing story.

You're gonna make me blush.

Thank you so much. And I'm glad that I could jerk at least a few tears <.<

Though, I teared up too just writing it, so yeah...

You guys are da best

Damn good work! Did you have an earlier piece on the main game forums that mentions Red's undercarriage by any chance...?

Did you say you were a writing student? I did an MA at Northumbria a few years ago, had enormous trouble slipping anything genre-based by them Mind you, this has enough character and pathos that it might even have won them over.

One little thing... the convention is that "When a framing sentence carries on after speech," it doesn't have a new capital letter even if the spoken sentence ended, it's punctuated as you would read it aloud

Straylight0 wrote:One little thing... the convention is that "When a framing sentence carries on after speech," it doesn't have a new capital letter even if the spoken sentence ended, it's punctuated as you would read it aloud

This is a bad habit I'm trying to break. Thank you so much for pointing it out. Fiction is not exactly my forte, though we'll see how that may change after I've got a few more classes under my belt.

I am a writing student, yes. Currently working through university for the second time. I was young enough and impulsive enough to drop out, the first time around. Not exactly the best decision. Thus far my emphasis has been almost entirely on Creative Nonfiction and Poetry. I've always found fiction to be intimidating, and have been trying to break myself of that particular aversion.

Straylight0 wrote:Damn good work! Did you have an earlier piece on the main game forums that mentions Red's undercarriage by any chance...?

That one's actually on this forum as well, "A Return to Fusang 3".

Hee Hee. My brain is above its operating temperature!

You certainly have the raw talent for fiction, everything else can come with practice I reckon, although it can be a bit of a grind!

Darn I need to blow my nose. Must be symptoms of a summer cold showing themselves.

A, cold definitely ...

TorTorden wrote:Darn I need to blow my nose. Must be symptoms of a summer cold showing themselves.

A, cold definitely ...

Drink lots of liquids and get some rest!

I´d like to join the others in congratulating you on really nice writing! I hope there´s more to come.